Finally free from the ups & downs

Christmas was good. Same as most years. Got a lot of cool stuff & things I wanted/needed. So I was happy with it. Spent time with my family during the day, then spent the night with a group of people I really enjoy being with. And then yesterday was alright. Worked all day then went to Cro Mags with Liz & Mariana. By far one of the best shows I ever went to. So many kids came out for it and the show itself was nuts. Missed bad seed & the mongos bc everybody in the city likes to drive 6 miles an hour when I'm in a rush. Made it just in time for wisdom in chains which made me happy because i dont care what anyone says, theyre one of my favorite bands live. death threat was tight tooooo. and words cannot even explain cromags. afterwards headed to applebees with some of the greatest friends ever, who i missed more than anything.
this is boring, i suck at this.


but things are looking up.
happy birthday, little sister. i love you!

merry christmas

i could care less.

Changed

my mind.

Eight Years.

Tonight I talked to my dad for the first time since I was 11. And when I was 11 I only talked to him for a couple months, before he disappeared again. And prior to that, I hadn't seen him since I was 4. I mean, I've talked to him since then. Not so much verbally, but via letters & emails. And it usually ends up with me flipping out on him about what a piece of shit he is, and how much he fucked up for all of us. But that didn't happen tonight. Nothing was brought up about when I was a kid, or all the shit that happened. We just talked about our lives now. The things we like, things we don't like. He asked about my life here, about my mom & sister. He told me about my step-mom, my 3 step-sisters & my 2 step-nieces. He has 2 pitbull's. I want to go steal them, that's my favorite kind of dog.
I really hope things are different this time. Despite how much he's fucked up in the past, I'd actually like to have a future with him involved in it. There's still a lot of hurt and questions that need to be answered, and things that will eventually need to be talked about. But, he is my dad. I know that a lot of kids don't know both their parents, and have fucked up situations like mine was, and it's really an awful thing. Growing up I always wondered about him. And now I have the opportunity to get to know him, and I just really hope he doesn't disappear again this time..

shopping.

i spent all of today at the kop mall. and it put me in a really good mood since i was in a pretty bummed out mood this morning. i bought people gifts and i love doing that. and i came up with the most perfect gift for some stinky boy for his birthday, and he's going to love it.. and i can't wait.
:)

i miss

everything.

i shouldn't be sleeping alone tonight.

I'd like to find someone who puts me first,
because I'm really tired of always being second or third or fourth.


i don't even care how selfish that is.
i come home in the morning. bye.

!@#$%^&*(

i hate being grumpy over nothing.

back to

how things were.

and i'm really happy. 

iowa's a lot of fun, just like last time.

first night here we had a party with everyone & that ruled.

saturday night more people came over & hung out.

went downtown last night for a show with everyone.

it's been good.

love everyone out here lot.

miss all you's though.

see you in a week or so.

<3

finishing

cleaning my room.
packing.
sleeping.
leaving.
:)



see ya in a week or so!

p.s. GIRRRLZ,
when i get back, lets all do something FUN.

I believed

in heroes,
and dragons,
and us.

forgive & forget.

forgive and forget. that's what they say. its good advice but it's not very practical. when someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. when someone wrongs us, we want to be right. without forgiveness, old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal. and the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.




i wish i could forget.
I spend 75% of my time at work doing nothing but playing on my phone, listening to the music overhead, and thinking. The last two are the killers. First, since its officially the 'holiday season' every other song is a christmas song. and when it's not a christmas song, its some sorta love song. The Christmas songs are alright, but you really can only listen to 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' so many times in one day before wanting to claw your own eyes out. And all the other love songs only cause me to think. Thinking about things isn't always bad. But it really sucks sometimes. I hate missing things I shouldn't miss. I hate playing the 'what if' game in my head over and over. What if I had cared less? What if you had cared more? Its an endless cycle that continues repeating and repeating.
Its incredibly funny how fast things can change in a matter of two weeks. My lifes done a total 180 since this day two weeks ago. And while a majority of the time it sucked, and I'm still sort of dwelling on how it would've been cool if things had worked out different, things are slowly improving. Who knows what'll continue to happen though.

Tonight I'm stuck here at work till 730, then I'm going out & helping Barco baby move into Greg's with Riss. Who knows what's in store afterwards. partyparty. And Dan's gonna be back tonight, too. I cannot wait. I miss him so much.
Uhm, and yesterday & last night were nice. :)
Thanksgivings tomorrow. Then weekend with the usuals.
Seeee Yaaaa.

Better Days.

My weekend was so good. It totally changed my entire mood/attitude around. I'm still pretty bummed out over what happened, but I've got so much other good shit going on/people I care about that I'm doing a looot better with the whole thing.
Had yet another goooooood weekend. Friday night was a goooody. Went down to Barco's with a shit ton of my favorite people ever and hung out. A fun time as always. Headed home later in the night because I had work at 6 am Saturday. Working that early sucks. Saturday I worked then sat around and did noooothing for awhile. Ended up shopping & spending too much money. Then later in the night headed to Jersey with Marissa to Tyler's house with a bunch of people I didn't even know but ended up really liking. :) To sum the night up: wrecked 'em in pong with Marissa, Jager pong for everyone but us, free pizza, watching people get retardeddd off of Jager. Was a fuuuuun night. :) Headed home late. Worked all sunday morning & then hung out with someone great afterwards. Hahaha.
Today is Mariana's birthday, YAY ! Tonight I think I'm going to the diner with some people, :D and then tomorrow I'm off of everything and hanging out with someone kinda cute & having a really good day with him.
Dan comes home this week and I'm really pumped for that because I misssss him more than anyone. And we're going to the beach this weekend, which will be absolutely lovely, I am sure. :) I can't wait.
And I'm super excited for New Years Eve because I'm gonna be up in New York City with Riss, Barco, Kels & whoever else wants to go. And that will be tighhhhhhhhhhht. Always wanted to go there for that. :) :)
That's all I have to write.

OH, and I'm beyond sick. It's really awesome, nahhhtt.

still

sadder than i have ever been.
i hate having to force myself through the day & beg myself not to cry because everything has to remind me of some sort of memory.

this is the worst feeling in the entire world.
what's worse though ..
i'd forgive you.

Worst Night.

Last night was the worst night I have had in a very long time.



I've never felt more alone.

Lovely Mood.

I'm in the most wonderful mood and have been all day. I love this. :)
Last night/this morning were quite enjoyable.
Didn't get to bed till sometime after 9:30 this morning, but it was well worth it.

I don't have much else to write.
I'm not sweatin' the dumb stuff anymore.
I'm happy happy happy happy happy.

Except, it's 5:20 and it's already dark as fuck out.
That's really stupid.

SkeetSkeet

Weekend was good. Worked Friday night then came home and spent the night with mom and her girl friends. they're the funniest group of ladies evvver. Saturday went to down to Temple & picked up Kelsey then went and got Ali from UArts. Headed to South Street to get some Thai and a ridiculous amount of frozen yogurt. Headed back to Temple and met up with Marissa, Sean & Pookie. Chilled for awhile, met up with Rob, then headed over to Barco's played with her kitties and sipped on some 40's. Twas a gooood night. Crashed at Kelseys. Whole Foods shopping trip in the morning then picked up Barco and the 4 of us headed to Blacklisted show. Show was tight. Afterwards headed back to Barco's and chilled with her, riss, ricky, aaron & jake. came home and crashed.
i'm getting tattooed in the morning then spending the day/night with some goodies.
that's all i really have to say. i'm boring.

9:50

It is 9:50 on a Friday night, I don't work tomorrow, and I'm sitting at home. Fuck my life.

This week sucked. All I did was work. I feel like it's all really pointless though because I just keep finding myself in more debt that I need to keep paying off, so therefore I'm barely able to save any money right now and I feel like I'm getting no where.
I hate change. I know that it is inevitable, but I really hate it. Atleast, I hate change that I don't want to happen. If I want it to happen, then it's okay. But I hate unexpected bad change, and I really hate when it happens out of no where. I don't know how things can go from seeming really super awesome, to really bad in a matter of 2 days. And for no reason. Just out of no where. I really felt like I mattered before, and now I feel like I'm second best ..if not lower. I'm probably just being a fucking psycho about this, but whatever. No one has to agree with me on anything I write in this stupid thing.
Either way, I feel really alone right now.
& I hate it.



p.s one sweet thing: i'm getting tattooed tuesday morning for free down the city.
and i'll be on the radio with preston and steve. that's kinda cool, i guess?
someone who has nothing to do all tuesday should come with my mom & me. word.

things i really dislike.

being broke, $130 speeding tickets, working every day, being cold all the time, fighting over the dumbest stuff with one person i care about a lot, distance, losing people i really care about, bills, growing up, my hair, not being excited for the holidays at all this year, ebay, my cellphone, wasting my life away, bad frenz.




on the plus side, the next couple of weekends will be fun.
and i'm going out to iowa in 23 days. :) catch ya laterr.

I want to go

to the beach. Even though it's cold out.
It's one place I can always clear my mind and figure things out.


Let's go.

do i still love you?

absolutely. there's not a doubt in my mind. through all my anger, my ego, i was always faithful in my love for you. that i ever made you doubt it is the greatest mistake in a life full of mistakes. i can tell you that i love you as many times as you can stand to hear it, but it doesn't set us free. all it does is remind us that love is not enough. it's not even close.




sometimes, i really hate the way things work out.
and i hate how i feel like no one even understands this.
this post is pointless.

plans.

i hate how i have to keep changing all my plans. i hate bills, i hate money. i hate how i feel like i cannot afford anything. i really just hope that things work out. this is something i really want. i know it'll happen eventually, im just so impatient. i want things to work out as i have them planned now. but who knows. im so stressed.
:(

Obama '08

This is such a huge night in history. We're so lucky to get to experience this. Amazing how much this country has changed over the years. I have a lot of issues with some things in this country, but it is clear that there is also so much possible. Obama's the next President of the United States, that's awesome. John McCain's speech was incredibly respectable though, and I feel like he'll still help out this country a lot.
Obama '08 ! I love this.

philadelphia.

tonight i realized i'm really gonna miss this city when i leave. and all the crazy ass people in it. this weekend was a good one. friday night was halloWEEN, ended up down the city with marissa, kelsey and evan. met some cool people, had some INTERESTING experiences, & crashed at kelseys in temple with marissa, ev & kyle. came home this morning and crrrasssshhhed for another few hours. then tonight was QUITE enjoyable. picked marissa BACK up and headed back down the city - having a FUNK SESH the entire drive there. met up with kelsey in temple and drove down to center city. walked down south street. met some kid with a sweet jacket that just broke up with his girlfriend and had beer, hahahahah. met some raaandom ass dude from some metal band that played down there tonight and invited us to some party. headed BACK to temple but took some detours so we could bring some joy to phillllaaadelphiaa ! with our 80s FUNK. everyone on every street corner of broad street got into it and danced around the streets to BRICKKK HOUSE with us. love the city, love the people. gonna miss it ! next weekend will be TIGHT though.

and on a more serious note i need to quit being such a dumb bitch about things before i ruin something GOOD. haven't been this happy in awhile. i love it.
i need to be up so early, g'nighhhhtt.

dancing, alcohol, drugs.

"I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. Y'see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else. You know the only other way to lose yourself like that is, um, you know, dancing, or alcohol, or drugs, and stuff like that."




i hate distance.
i'm so impatient.
halloween was fun.
wish my "friends" supported me.

HALLOWEEN-EVE.

Yay, it's the day before Halloween.
aka MISCHIEF night ! :D :D Tomorrow is the PHILLIES parade! then HALLOWEEN ACTIVITIES !!! The next couple of day's will be quite fun.

Oh & I am also probably the luckiest girl, ever. :) That is all.

i hope you die alone.

Lying and manipulating, did you get what you want?
Too bad your life is one big front.
Fucking me over, while stabbing me in the back.
You took something I'll never get back.
So, stay the fuck away from everything that I love,
because we never gave a fuck about you.
Fuck you, you fucking asshole.
Loyalty and dedication don't mean shit to you.





I've never heard/read anything that fit someone any more perfect.
You're the fakest kid, ever. Which really sucks, because you use to be real great.




OH WELLLPPP, things change, people change. I'm over it. I've got too many other important things to be focusing on then the people that don't matter anymore. Last night was a good night, young widows in the ghetto, city driving adventures, getting lost, almost hitting a guy with the car, no gas, and 80's funk. Halloweens soon. and i'm saving up all my money like i wanted to. things are going good, keeping my attitude as positive as i can. see ya !



Edit:
im now going to realllllllllly rant on this thing because everyone pisses me off and this is MY thing to write in and no one has to read it so if what i have to say bothers you, quit reading it. im really SICK of fake people REALLY SICK OF THEM. im sick of people who claim to be your friends and are all bummed out about you leaving but cant make time for you ever. or follow through with plans. or pick up a phone to give you a call. yet make time for stupid girls their just hooking up with secretivly. shit doesnt stay a secret ever. funny how youre always running to me though with the same old bullshit, so glad i never fell for any of it. im sick of little sluts. im sick of being replaced by the people who were suppose to be my best friends. im sick of having to always ask THEM to hang out. FRIENDSHIPS WORK BOTH WAYS. i've never been so sick and tired of anyone as i am of you four people right now. should've known though. half the time people really dont give a shit about anyone but themselves. all you care about is getting your fucking names out there, making sure people know who you are. and you, you are the BIGGEST pathalogical liar ever. and i regret every trusting you with anything. im done. not picking up a phone to call any of you low lifes ever again. fuck you guys.
/end rant.

october 26th

It's been one week since I've been home. And in this past week, I've felt more emotions than I ever have in my whole entire life. I wish there was a way I could turn my mind off. I think too much about things. I take way too much stuff personally and only end up wondering what I did wrong. This morning I woke up to the nicest message I have ever received in my entire life. I know I've got something good going for me, but there is about a 90% chance I will fuck it up. Because that's what I usually end up doing. I really hope I don't, but knowing me, it's inevitable.
I'm also really sick of fake ass people. I thought getting out of high school was going to put an end to petty stuff like this. But I was clearly wrong. This last week I've realized whose real, and whose fake. And way too many people I thought were real, ended up being the complete opposite. Just have to start distancing myself from those people though. Really sucks, but I guess that's how things work out.

The weekend was good though. Best mood I've been in since I got back. My party Friday night was an excellent second celebration of my birthday. And the Trash Talk show last night was a pretty good time that mostly involved drawing on my car windows, barfo/woody woodpecker, screaming at the thunderstorm, missing war hungry, dumpster diver and now party hits with 3 girls I know I'm gonna end up really missing when I leave.
Another thing, I need to learn to really start trusting people. Atleast the people I know have no intention of hurting me -or I guess that would be the person who has no intention of hurting me; Otherwise I'm going to end up driving myself crazy with all of the wondering..
I'm gonna go spend all day sleeping.

Truth pt 2.

I'm leaving because you never asked me to stay.

To You.

Ashley sent me this because she found it online that someone wrote about someone they really must have cared for a lot.
And at first I read it and thought it was really dumb because I was in a really dumb mood after a really dumb fight with someone.
Then i re-read it, and cried my eyes out because it's scary how close this relates to something in my life.
Anyway, its super long so no one has to read it. but it's here.
Maybe it will relate to something in your life. If so, I'm sorry.
Because it's a really awful way to feel. I know.
I changed things around a bit to fit my situation more clearly.
Maybe you'll finally get it..




I know, now, that things are going just the way that they should. I do not spend too many times crying. Mostly, it is when I am moved by the lyrics in the songs that could be about you and I. Sometimes, when I hear the lyrics "There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all" I pray with every fiber of my being, that you won't hear those lyrics and ever have to think of me. I don't want you to remember me with contempt. I'd much rather you remember me as the fire at the start of the day. Or, perhaps, as the wildfire in your veins. I don't ever want it to be something that you can relate back to me. I want to be remembered fondly, quietly, calmly. I'd trade in you remembering my laughter for remembering my secret messages, encoded, now in your DNA. I hope you don't feel the sting of my walking away.

I know that you don't want any part of me believing that you could even be slightly hurting...

I am looking for someone who will fight with me for love, not against me. I need someone who isn't afraid to face my iceberg-ways despite the threat of sinking. I need the ark to last through the rains, and I know I've said this all a thousand times, but it is the truth and more than just a proclamation or declaration, it is my goal.


I hope that you find someone who isn't a millstone. You seem happier, you seem stronger and even more brave than I am. It's been hot and sticky the last couple of days. Just like the way it was the summer we fell in love. We found hundreds of soft spots in our hearts through out our time of being together. Maybe my mistake was finding those soft spots in the first place. But you were the one to penetrate my soul first and I let you, through and through. This is just a bunch of words though right? They don't make sense and my heart is still locked up tightly in your hand, the one heart I gave to you even before we said hello for the first time.

I'm trying to hold everything together. I'm trying not to break everyday and remember the fact that I was the one who broke you in the first place. So why is my heart not letting me let go of something that wasn't meant to be? Why am I wishing so hard on shooting stars that don't exist and keeping four leaf clovers I never had? Why am I being so completely weak when I told myself that I had only a few more weeks left before I erased you completely? I don't think I'm quite ready to make the commitment of forgetting you completely. I still believe that soul mates exist and other planets will harbor lovers from different worlds. And I still believe that your hand was meant to perfectly fit mine.

I will, without a doubt, forget you. There will most definitely come a time when I cannot remember your name or face, nor the way your hair was always obscenely beautiful no matter how messy it was and the way your voice would get lower when you told me that you loved me. Someday, I will not recall the hours of conversation we had, or the times we discussed our lives like they meant something, or the way I smiled every time I saw your screen name online. Eventually, I won't hear your pain, happiness, anguish, disgust echoing in my head. I won't shudder every time I think of when I made up lies to hurt you. As selfish as it sounds, I wanted to see if you would still be with me at my worst. I won't cry when I remember the night you ended things with me, when it was so cold in my room that the only time I can remember keeping warm was when your voice was on the other line. I won't still laugh when I think of things you said, and I won't write you emails every once in awhile so I can pretend we still talk to each other. You will fade like distant summers, and I will not miss you.

But until that happens, please know that I do miss you, terribly.

Happy Birthday

To Me !!!!!!!!

MOO-LAH

if anyone knows anyways i can get money QUICK, holla at me with 'em.
I'm already selling some of my shit, and getting rid of a ton of clothes.
BUT IM BROKE AND NEED MONEY ASAP.

YA DIG?



anywaaay, stoked about this weekend. birthday party friday night @ my crib, COMEEE PARTY/HANG OUT/WHATEVER. then trash talk show in edison saturday with riss, allie, danielle & kateeee. should be FUN.
seriously though, give me money.



p.s
MY BIRTHDAY'S TOMORROW
i keep forgetting !

change

total change of attitude.

i just realized sitting around feeling sorry for myself and thinking negatively about all the stuff i have to get done, isn't going to help me get anything done any quicker.
i've gotta totally change my attitude around & think positive so i can do what i want to do.



LOOKIN' UP. for real.
see ya.

back.

got so much to figure out.
i need $12000. asap.
and that's NEVER going to happen.


i honestly had the best time of my life while i was away. only missed certain things about this place. i'm gonna go cuddle up alone in my bed, and watch nick at nite all alone and be really sad like i have been all night. :(

iowa

is the boooomb.

never coming home.

see you all the 15th.. ;)

tomorrow !

i leave.


catch ya suckaz laaaayytttuurr !

complete 360.

i'm feeling so much better about a lot of things.
it'd be nice if things stay this good.
they probably won't, OH WELLLPPPP.



i saw this today, think about it ! :




logical.

ups and downs.

i'm seriously bummin' right now. i keep thinking about one thing inperticular, and it's driving me nuts. i don't think it would bother me so much if i knew what went wrong. or how this thing ..that seemed really awesome, ended up the huge mess that it is now. there isn't even anyone to really blame, because no one is really at fault. even if i had to place blame, i couldnt. because i cared too much, and you didn't care at all. i think thats what drives me craziest. how you can put so much effort into something, then get absolutely nothing in return. that's the worst feeling in the world. the way i feel right now is the worst. just about a year, and more has happened in the past 12 months then ever, most of it involving you. too bad you're not as great as you came off as.













p.s one week & i'm outta here.

!#&%*@$!&

don't ask.
you'll know if it has to do with you.




1. you need to back off. you're holding on and need to let go. you have just begun to annoy me considering you are a huge hypocrite and have no room to talk about anything you say. i wish you would just go away.
2. i cant stand who you have become. you've always had your flaws, but you've let them overcome you and i hate it. you're not the same fun person because you only care about two things. since the end of summer, you've quickly become someone i don't know or really want to know, and i want the old you back.
3. i wish you weren't such a huge piece of shit.

problem is

i always care more than i should.
about things i shouldn't care about at all.

H00KED UP.

This is gonna be short because I have a job interview today.

Last night was the bomb. First off saw LOTS of people that I don't see that much, which always makes things fun. When we got to the croc rock we didnt have to wait in the 329820 hour long line because of being on the guest list so that was another huge plus in the night. Went inside and watched Crime In Stereo. Afterwards ISHC played whichhhh was interesting. Went outside then and marissa asks a kid to bum his lighter and the dudes like oh sure, then they're asking us who we're there to see, annnd marissa & ott straight up tell them a day to remember blows, and it turns out we're talking to fys's drummer and adtr's drummer. funniest thing ever. fys played and they were sweet. then we go outside for awhile bc adtr stinks, then head upstairs with scott and maaaaxed out with all the bands and hayleyXparamore, sipppped on some free coronas, and watched new found glory from the balcony jawn. sweet night.

The weekends almost here. I leave in 12 days.
HEEEEYYYYLLYEEESSS.

cold sheets

Every morning when I wake up it is freezing cold in my room, and I love it. I am obsessed with this changing of weather. Time for hoodies, jackets, long sleeves and boots. Fall is the best season ever. I'm so happy.

So far this week has been a decent one. I'm not even minding going to classes much this week/hating my life the entire time I'm there, which is good I suppose. Monday I went to class then met up with Preston and Ryan for some lunch at Taco Bell then went down to the city with them and Ott met up with us. Walked all over, ate at Cosi - Pretty sweeeet time. Yesterday I had class then took care of a couple of things. Eventually chilled with Ryan and watched weird movies till we picked Mikey up. Went to KFC with them then back to mikeys and chilllllled there. Ott came over and we just maxed out and watched scary movies. Then i came home and passssed out. ANDDD todayyy i had class and tonights NFG/FYS/ADTR at croc rock. should be a pretttty sick show.

I'm stoked for the weekend. Except I sort of dread weekends now too, because I during the weekends I have no classes to worry about or anything, and its just basically 3 days to kick it and do nooothin' but it only lasts till Sunday then when Monday rolls around I dont want to do shit that I have to do. BLOWS.

I leave for Iowa in less than 2 weeeeks.
And when I get back Marissa & I are going up to Boston at some point. yeeeahh.
I should clean my room and go to the gym.

beat.

this weekend ruled.

friday night marissa and i went to drew's house for that show. and got to hang out with danielle, kate, and ali, which is always an extrememly funny time. except it was so coooold, but it really wasnt that cold im just not use to this weather at all ! so then marissa and i RAN to my car and blasted the heat and headed to a party up near blue bell. which was pretty fun. riss wreeeeckked 'em in pong. ;) eventually we left there and headed STRAIGHT to wawa to pee because no way were we making it to doylestown. eventually we got to jon's though with dion & a couple other people. and it was the funniest thing of my entire life. and i finally watched i now pronounce you chuck and larry. which was sweet. finally around 4 marissa and i came back to my house and passsed out.

saturday we woke up WAY too early and cleaned up my room. then i took her home & met dion for lunch and shopping. :) afterwards i headed home and my bike was at my house so i rode it around for alittle then had dinner with my maaaa and deb. finalllly got all ready then and picked riss BACK up and headed down to the city. met up with kevin and a few other dudes and chilled for awhile with them. rode our bikes all over. then finally went to karls apartment and partied with allll those kids and it ruleeed. eventually we somehow rode our bikes back to uarts and crashed at kevins.
THEN this morning, we left SO fucking early. and then they shut down all the streets right near city hall because of some dummmmb marathon going on. and we literally sat at a traffic light over a half an hour bc the cops were there and the marathon people were running down the road we had to cross. sucked so bad. but we finallly made it home and then i worked and came home and died afterwards.

all in all though, the weekend was off the hoooook. which is good because for the next 2 weeks i cant do too much because i gotta save as much of my money as i can because im leaving for iowa in 2 weeks ! i'm so stoked.
i'm tired.

i don't know

anything.

truth.

the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. the person is real, and the feelings are real but you create the context. and context is everything. the person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else. and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. but that person still wins. they win and you lose. because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-i read that and i think it is one of the most true things, ever.
and it sucks. :( and you suck.



anyway, today I felt relatively better so I went to my classes. The past 2 days I've been pretty worthless considering all I really did was work Monday night and then hang out with Dion last night. Other wise, I've been in my house. Feeling like shit. So today I went to my classes then came home and cleaned my entire car, inside and out. It's about time considering it has recently turned into a shit hole since I basically live out of it. But now it is spaaaarrrkkklinn' :D

I'm glad it's already Wednesday because this weekend I am off, so it'll be a good weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm going down to the city Saturday night with Riss, which will be COOL. Oh, and I'm suppose to be getting my bike from my g-pop this weeeeek ! yay, he fixed it all up REAL nice for me. I'm stoked!

19 days till I leave for Iowa. I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again, I'm probably not going to want to come back once I get out there. Everyone that I've talked to that's been to Iowa really loved it, and I think I'm going to, too. Plus, my best friends there. I feel like I'm going to get out there, then just decide to not take that flight back. Except I guess in realitiy I'm going to have to since I'll only have a week or so worth of my clothes with me, and I would want all of them. :( but i guess who knows. we'll see what happens. Aaron's flying out there with me now, so this makes it even more great because now I don't have to fly out alone, and it'll be double fun with him out there hanging out, just like back when Ashley lived in Jersey ! :)

The next few weeks though should be pretty good ones. NFG & FYS on September 24th with biggie sMAllz & ott. that'll be fun, especially since it'll be freeee. Then The Ataris are playing at Gywnedd Mercy college September 28th and I might go to that. I don't dig their new stuff, but I love their old stuff. We'll see. October 1st is Jamie's 19th birthday, so paaarttaay. I go to Iowa October 7th-15th. THEN MY BIRTHDAY is a week from when i get home, on October 22nd! YAY. And october 23rd is minus the bearrrr ! and october 27th is young widows! lookin' like a deeeecent next month or so. :)

I'm feeding my dog french fries and listening to 5ive.
haha, NO JOKE. SEEYA.

YUCK.

I have the worst sore throat/cold of my life.
Bring me soup.

uesless.

I feel like crap. I'm beyond congested and my throat is killing me and my head feels like it weighs 2389303 pounds. I haven't felt this horrible in so long. and it sucks and i did not miss it.

on the plus side though, last nights show ruled. each band was sweet and it was well worth the pain i was in from my throat and hip. speaking of that, i wish i would get the results on my xrays so they can figure out what the helllllll is going on. Friday night's show at the Champ was a lot of fun too. The drive out there really sucked though, especially in down pour rain at times, but Marissa did a decent job keeping me entertained by fucking with every person we drove by. haha.

This weeks going to suck because nothing that great is going on. And all I really do during the week is go to class, come home and nap, go to work, come home and go to sleep. I get paid this week though from both jobs, so that's going to be nice considering I only have $4 to my name right now. And my low fuel lights on. I drive around too much and waste too much gas. And I have no idea what's good for this coming up weekend. I don't work and I'll have some money, so hopefully I'll make my way down the city again.

I need to really start focusing on what I am doing in the spring semester. I keep saying that but continue to put it off, and it keeps getting closer and closer. Gotta start getting my priorities straight and really planning things out. i'm just so bad with planning and i am a huge procrastinator. but I know going away to school is something I really want to do, so I'm hoping I'll start focusing on things more. Ughhh.

In 22 days, I leave for Iowa. I'm so pumped. I miss Ashley a lot. It sucks that she's not in jerz anymore and I can't just hop in my car and drive there for the weekend whenever I want. Iowa is alitttttle too far to do that. But October 7th is getting real close, and it's going to be a boooomb week. Being with my best friend, seeing/really meeting cody & cady, going to Minnesota for a girl filled weekend with Ash, Cady & Ma Dukes to go to the mall of America and see tegan and sarah. I'm so pumped. I can't wait to get out there and not want to come home. because i know that's what is going to happen. I might check out some schools while I'm out there. Who knows.
I'm gonna go spend my day drinking tea and sleeping.

p.s

good hold on me

i wish things didn't work this way. it would be nice if the past could stay in the past, but it never seems to work that way with somethings. and they continue to pop back up, and remind you. and it sucks. just when you think it's finally done, it comes back. and round 923403980 starts. i currently have ten million things racing through my head at the same time. i can't even put into words anything I want to say. so, that being the case, the next paragraph is going to be an absolute mangled wreck. don't waste your time on it.
i wish things would just be fixed. when did this become so complicated? how did something good go to something horribly confusing? and when? it's mostly my fault though because i always care too much. and you don't care at all. you need to quit with the bullshit. i need more money. i'm working my ass off working two jobs and im still always broke. i wish it was october and i was going to iowa to see ashley because i miss her too much. when did i become so unorganized? my rooms a mess, my cars a mess. and i'm usually too lazy to clean them. i need to get my ass back in shape. starting monday i'm going back to the gym. i wish you weren't such a shitty friend. i want to get out of here. i need to start focusing and getting my shit in order for real so i can make that happen. i need to send my application fees into the couple schools i applied to. i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.
i'm getting my haircut now, bye.

PSSTTT.

I always forget my password to this jawn, and it takes me like 48938 tries till I actually remember it and can log in. Life's so hectic lately, so I barely have time to write in here. I spent mostly everyday during the week at class all morning, sleeping all afternoon and working at night. Kinda sucks buuuut i'm making bank right now and furthering my education, pshhh hahahaa. I still really just want to get out of here though. I'm really hoping things work out for the spring and moving down to the city. Who knows though, just taking everything one day at a time and trying REAL hard not to stress out.
On the plus side, October 7th I'm flying out to Iowa to visit Ashley. I miss her a lot and I'm so stokkkeeeddd. I'll be out there for a week or so, but I guarenttee when it's time to come home, i'm really not going to want to. When she lived in Jerzzzz I never wanted to leave to come home, now i'm gonna be over 1000 miles away so its going to suck more. blah. My birthdays next month though so that really rules. :D buy me presents, lolzozlzozlzz.
This past weekend was another goooood one. Spent it down in the city at Uarts with Risssssa. Basically just wandered allll over the place, met a bunch of new people annnnnd maaaax'ed out. It was sweet and I can't wait to repeate it again this week ! hahaha.
i dont really have anything to write about because my life is basically a repeate every single day of the week. except my hip is fucked up and i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, WOO SPICIN' THE DAY UUUUUP.
i creeped my old xanga and heres an ollllddd picture of me and stacy HAHAAHAAA.






















i look funny. BYEEEE !

end of summer

definitely ended this summer right within the past 2 weeks. tih last weeeekend. then this weekend had people over friday night to hang out and had a goooood time with some of my best friends. yesterday got my new phone then chilled at mahressa's with some great kids. last night, took had a car ride with riss, preston, ott & keith to Edison, NJ and saw Mother of Mercy and Ceremony. hellllllyeeeeaaaaa. saw kids i hardly see but really love. applebees trip afterwards with the greatest group. got home at almost 330, didnt get to bed til 4. and now i have work, but i get out early today. OH and i got the job at oakley. holllllla ! everything's so great.

great weekend.

This weekend absolutely ruled and was worth all the money i spent and gas i used. this is hardcore was the most fun i've had in a longgg time. the only thing that would've made it better would've been if i could've gone friday night. yesterday and today ruled though. saw a lot of great bands, a lot of great people & met some new people too, all with marissa of course. haha. all around a really awesome weekend.
my whole body hurts and i've never been this tired in my life.
SEE YA.

college ?!

I'm applying to schools to go in the spring semester. I'm gonna see what happens from there. If i get accepted, I just might go. These schools range from all over the place though. Philly to other parts of PA to New York to Boston to Florida to out west. Guess we'll just see what happens though. I want to get outta here though. for sure.


This post is all about school & boring.
Sorry. :(

i should've gone away to school. and i really wish i knew what the hell i was thinking deciding to stay around. actually, i know exactly what i was thinking and it was really dumb logic. OH WELLLL. It'd be nice to go somewhere in the spring. but if that doesnt work, ill be outta here in May hopefully.
Right now i'm watching the steve wilkos show and every show he has is like the exact same show. lame. But i'm eating this graham cracker jawns and they are BANGIN'. And Jamie brought me back Apple Bread from Lancaster, and it is SO GOOD.
Last night I went to the diner with a few of my favorite people and said bye to Dan. Because now he is in Chicago. waaaaahhh :( Everyone is leaving.

Im thirsty. Here's me and dan.

its not so easy when youre all alone

and i wonder if im alone in your head.



i've listened to this song about 26 times in a row. until today i'd forgotten about it. then it popped up on shuffle. and it's a really great song. that makes a lot of sense in a lot of aspects in my life.

i'm finally starting to get my life in order. finally took some of the steps i needed to take. got in touch with people that i needed to have back in my life. and i'm happy. i've set goals. i've made plans. and it's all really overwhelming but it's also really exciting. for the first time in a long time, im not worried about anything. im not stressin' and it's a wonderful feeling.
this time a year ago, i never would've thought things would be where they are at now. a year ago, i thought things were going to stay the way they were forever. the friendships and good times would go on and on and on, but that's not the case. nothing lasts forever. and although at times, that may be a real bummer, it is inevitable. i learned a lot the past year and a half/two years though from all of the people i've met. i've learned how to be myself, i've learned your real friends will stand by you even when things are tough. but change is something we all have to accept, no matter how much we may want to reject it. every chapter of your life begins, and each chapter ends. you live and you learn. you take the good times as they come, and learn from the bad times. you keep old friends, you loose old friends and you make new friends. you make new memories, but you don't forget the old. pretty soon, everyones going to be going their own ways. and although this is scary, considering like i said, a year ago it felt everyone and everything would stay the same forever, it has to happen. the last two years have been the best two years of my life though that i will absolutely never forget. and i thank everyone for that.
and so, although another chapter is ending, another one is about to begin.

running in circle after circle

well, look at that ..two posts in one day. amazing.
i have a million things running through my head. i've started this post 4 times and deleted each one because i don't know how to say what i want to say/think i can get across anything i want to say. nothing feels right right now. nothing IS right right now. i've got this horrible feeling that i just want to go away. i'm never opening up to another person though. ever.
i don't even feel like doing this anymore. bye.

i was a fool, you were my friend..

don't know why i can't keep up with this shit, ever. my bad.
not much has been going on. actually, that's a lie. everything's completely changed over the last 4 months or so. but i guess that's how life works out. lately i've had the shittiest attitude towards so much stuff. i start classed in less than a month, and already don't give a shit about them. whatever though, only one year and i'm out.
i'm tired of shitty people. and how i somehow always end up letting them get involved in my life. i'm real tired of people who cannot mind their own business. and i'm also really tired of people who say shit they don't relaly mean. people need to learn to just be honest from the start, so less people get hurt. on the plus side though, i've kept that tie severed with the people i wanted to for the most part. almost let 'em back in, then realized what i was doing. now ive just let new shitty people in, WOOOO. nahhhtt.
whatever. ranting about things won't change anything.
i got back from south carolina beginning of this week, which absolutely ruled. and i wouldnt mind if i were still there. but that was basically just a week escape and now things are back to the same exact way before i left, and that really sucks. im gonna be in ocean city for the next week, so that's pretty sweet. but when i get back, i gotta try to get serious about shit. and i really don't wanna. :[
anway to sum this up, i really don't care about anything.

rant.

i knew i would be terrible at this thing. i'm real good at starting something and not finishing it. i'm real good at a lot of things I wish I wasn't like..
making lists and nothing gets crossed out, literally. i've made a million lists of shit i gotta get done, and i continue to put it off. like finishing my room. it's been half way done forever and im just too damn lazy to finish it. i am also good at forgiving people too many times, and forgetting too many things that should not be forgotten. just to end up back in the same position, fucked over. I'm tired of being treated like shit by some people, and being the one they go to when they have no one else. and them continuing to think it is okay to treat me like shit for a period of time, then try to be my friend again. it's not happening anymore. finally decided to cut the cord with some of these people, don't need 'em anymore. and this time i'm keeping that tie severed for good. in relation to this, i am also good at pushing away the people i care about the most, which in the end is only hurting me now. i am also very good at being a pushover. i do so much shit for people, and i don't expect nothing in return, but sometimes it'd be nice to get something back. this really just pertains to my job.
really the conclusion to that paragraph is i suck. and a lot has got to change. but NOTHING WILL CHANGE THOUGH, because nothing ever does. no ..more like nothing that i want to change ever changes, but everything i DON'T want to change, changes faster than i would like it to. i don't understand how the messed up shit/bad shit that i would like to see improve or change all together, stays the same all the fucking time. but all the good shit just up and changes/leaves.
i don't understand a lot of thing's either...
i don't understand how 8 years of friendship was thrown away over the most highschool bullshit ever. i don't understand how someone can completely forget about someone or ignore someone they claimed to care about when they start a new relationship. (although i am guilty of this, but ONE OF THE THINGS IM TRYING TO CHANGE, i swear!) i also do not understand why i can't just win a million dollars so i can take care of all the shit i gotta take care of and buy all the new shit i need. lastly, i absolutely do not understand (and this one bothers me the most..) how your own flesh and blood can not give two shits about you. or how they can miss 14+ years of their child's life, and NOT EVEN GIVE TWO SHITS. i don't know how someone can honestly live with themselves knowing they've got not one BUT TWO daughters out there that they've missed so many things with ..first boyfriends, dances/proms, teaching them to drive, seeing them graduate ..all kinds of things that most parents treasure, but they've missed and they don't even care. ..and i wish i knew why the fact that he doesn't care has bothered me so much lately.



this whole thing is pointless.
i hope you didn't waste your time reading that.

wish there was more than this.

no one will really understand most of the things in this thing. you're not suppose to though. this is for me, not you. lately, it feels like the worlds caving in. i've realized a lot lately and how almost none of this is what i want. i messed up. i pushed away a lot of people and things i cared about, for what? nothing. i got so wrapped up into something that didn't even matter. shows, parties and everything else became a majority of what i cared about, and now i'm only left with one person i know i can count on. i don't blame everyone else though, i brought this on myself. i get so confused and overwhelmed sometimes with the things i want. half the time, i don't really want them. but at that point in time, i feel like i do.
i doubt too much.
i'm never sure what i want.
and look where it's gotten me.


anyway, i want to go to the beach.