byebye

blog.

Just realized

I don't really care about anything or anyone, anymore.





I'm a shitty person sometimes.

You make me happy

when skies are gray.

Scaredy Cat

I am overly excited for this.


But how absolutely terrified I am at the same time just hit me.

2 1/2 months

and i'm gone.


let's do something great between now & then.





edit
i want to delete everything on here and start new.
i don't know if i will though because everything i have written thus far documents a huge chunk of the past several months of my life, although most of those things and times are nothing more than distant and faded memories now.
we'll see..

gr8

Things are going so good, I am so happy. Back to hanging out with some of the realest friends I ever had, I never should have stopped hanging out with them. I wish the weather would get warm, and stay warm. Although, I'd prefer it being the way it has been the last few days over cold with rain and snow. I'm sleepy all the time. I just want to take one day and sleep all day so I'm not tired anymore. I leave for dsm in 3 days and probably won't write in this anytime soon because I have nothing to write about. I spend everyday doing the same stuff with the same people, it rules. Everything's drama free and I am happy. And Dan's home, makes me even happier. Got a weekend full of work and my favorite people, then off to dsm monday. SEEE YUUUH.

SPRING!!!!!@#$

It's 11AM and already 65 degrees outside. This is so wonderful.
The next week should be good.
And only 9 days till I'm where I wanna be,
with the people I wanna be with.
And disney world hopefully soon !!!!!!!!!@#$%

HEY

life is good.

you're the reoccuring kind

you never really leave my mind.





edit 2/23:
i cant even remember the last time i was this sick. fml.

just lost

the one thing i cared about most in a matter of 40 seconds.




edit:
its been about 45 minutes since i wrote the first part of this post. and in the 45 minutes, i realized a lot. everything's going to be a lot different now. that is all.

Things I'd Like To Do

And Soon:



-Get my friends back
-Hot air balloon ride
-Go to the zoo
-NYC, asap.
-Disney World with a bunch of people
-Art Museum
-Visit Dan in Chicago for more than 4 hours
-Finish my room up
-Paint a building
-Huge shopping spree
-Start my sleeve

i'll probably add more to this soon.



edit: i lied. i don't want my 'friends' back, or atleast not most of them. I'd rather not associate myself with a bunch of fake, shit talkers who only do stuff to better themselves.

i want out

i don't want to be here anymore.

Things I learned this weekend:

i am impulsive, 18 hours might not seem that long when you first think about it but it sucks being in a car that long, having a cold & being stuck in a car for 18 hours isn't fun either, if you stay awake for 35 hours straight- you will crash, ohio looks small but is the most boring state to drive thru ever, chicago is pretty looking at night but there's way too much traffic there in the morning, the mississippi river is HUGE, there is a disgusting amount of roadkill on 80, all the rest stops on 80 look exactly the same, and the turnpikes are waaaay too damn expensive.



it was fun though and well worth it. my friends are great and so are all the new people i met. and even though it really sucked, it was more of an adventure than flying and i probably would do it again. not anytime soon though.
i'm going back to sleep.

you are replaceable

and it bothers you because i'm not. you won't find another me. you can try, but those other girls won't compare. you need me, but i don't need you. and i don't think i ever really did.





this is such a good feeling.

Got Accepted :D

So, I applied to do this volunteer thing over the summer. Where for a month I'll go to either Australia, New Zealand, Thailand, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Eastern Europe, South Africa or the Dominican Republic, and for 2 weeks do a bunch of volunteer work. Which will range from building houses to working with the rain forests, and tons of crap like that. then the second two weeks is a pure adventure. white water rafting, climbing glaciers. So I applied hoping i'd get it, AND I GOT ACCEPTED. I'm so excited. Now I just gotta save money & raise money. ahhhh, hopefully this works out.

You're never going to change.

Ever. And this circle continues to repeat and repeat. I'm so use to it now though. Nothing fazes me anymore. Maybe it's because I've already spent hours and hours feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why, and crying. Maybe since I've spent so much time doing all that stuff, I can't anymore. Or maybe it's because I just don't care anymore. I cared so much and it got me absolutely no where, so now I don't care at all. Actually, it's not that I don't care, it's that I can't care. Because caring about you has only hurt me. I told you I wouldn't be here forever.





For some reason neither of us understands we've been forced to say goodbye. I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us. & I promise I will do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed and we will not only love each other for that time, but for all the times we've had before.

Buuuusy

Everything is really looking up. I'm going to all my classes and working almost every day, and I'm actually not hating my life while doing so. My classes this semester rule, atleast this far. I've met some really cool people, and I'm loving it. Work's not too bad either. I've actually begun taking steps for like my future, which is weird as shit because I never plan anything. EVER. But I'm doing it. I've changed my entire attitude around 180 degrees, and it feeeeeeels goooood. I've also met a lot of great new people up at ESU and have spent a lot of time up there recently. I dont have much else to write about, I'm happy. And now I'm hungry. I'll do this again sometimeee.

Expectations

My expectations are too high.
That's the problem.

Guess not.

I'm really good at pushing away and ruining the good things I have going for me. And not even intentionally, I just suck that bad.


But anyway, classes start tomorrow. I'm pretty excited for it. I'm actually gonna go & do good this semester, so I can get outta here when it's over. The hard part is really just going to be staying focused/motivated. I spent the weekend at ESU. It was a lot of fun, and I met a lot of really great new people.
I don't have anything else to write about because my life is boring.
Give me friends, please and thanks.

Done

With everything.
Goodbye.

Distance

Keeping my distance from everyone & everything for awhile, except a select few.

I simply want

nothing to do with you.
Ever again.



And this time, I'm 100% serious.
See ya.





edit 1/11:

---------

I don't have any shit going on to write about in this. I spend most of my time with Dan, Kevin & Dan. I don't really want "winter break" to end because I dont want to go back to classes. & Dan and Kevin leave me. :( buuuut uh yeah & ive been working my butt off to save money. Integrity & Pulling Teeth tomorrow with DOM! :) yay! Uhhh, I'm going to Iowa in like a month, holla.
I'll update sometime in my life maybe, IDK IDC.

all you need is love, is a lie.

It's sometime after 1 in the morning, I'm not sure of the exact time because my clock on my computer is so wrong. But that doesn't matter. It's sometime after 1, and I have to be up at 5:15. Sweet life. I don't think I could even sleep right now if I tried. I have about 83293820 billion things running through my head, and I should have known this would happen. Nothing ever changes. And that is what I cannot stand. Seriously, sometimes not caring about something is way harder than caring about it is.



sdjhfskdjfldskjfalj
i dont even know why i'm writing this.
it will not change a damn thing.
i need to get out of here.
and away from everything.
soon.

2009

blows already.
and i'm only 2 days deep.
fuck it.