i knew i would be terrible at this thing. i'm real good at starting something and not finishing it. i'm real good at a lot of things I wish I wasn't like..
making lists and nothing gets crossed out, literally. i've made a million lists of shit i gotta get done, and i continue to put it off. like finishing my room. it's been half way done forever and im just too damn lazy to finish it. i am also good at forgiving people too many times, and forgetting too many things that should not be forgotten. just to end up back in the same position, fucked over. I'm tired of being treated like shit by some people, and being the one they go to when they have no one else. and them continuing to think it is okay to treat me like shit for a period of time, then try to be my friend again. it's not happening anymore. finally decided to cut the cord with some of these people, don't need 'em anymore. and this time i'm keeping that tie severed for good. in relation to this, i am also good at pushing away the people i care about the most, which in the end is only hurting me now. i am also very good at being a pushover. i do so much shit for people, and i don't expect nothing in return, but sometimes it'd be nice to get something back. this really just pertains to my job.
really the conclusion to that paragraph is i suck. and a lot has got to change. but NOTHING WILL CHANGE THOUGH, because nothing ever does. no ..more like nothing that i want to change ever changes, but everything i DON'T want to change, changes faster than i would like it to. i don't understand how the messed up shit/bad shit that i would like to see improve or change all together, stays the same all the fucking time. but all the good shit just up and changes/leaves.
i don't understand a lot of thing's either...
i don't understand how 8 years of friendship was thrown away over the most highschool bullshit ever. i don't understand how someone can completely forget about someone or ignore someone they claimed to care about when they start a new relationship. (although i am guilty of this, but ONE OF THE THINGS IM TRYING TO CHANGE, i swear!) i also do not understand why i can't just win a million dollars so i can take care of all the shit i gotta take care of and buy all the new shit i need. lastly, i absolutely do not understand (and this one bothers me the most..) how your own flesh and blood can not give two shits about you. or how they can miss 14+ years of their child's life, and NOT EVEN GIVE TWO SHITS. i don't know how someone can honestly live with themselves knowing they've got not one BUT TWO daughters out there that they've missed so many things with ..first boyfriends, dances/proms, teaching them to drive, seeing them graduate ..all kinds of things that most parents treasure, but they've missed and they don't even care. ..and i wish i knew why the fact that he doesn't care has bothered me so much lately.
this whole thing is pointless.
i hope you didn't waste your time reading that.
