I believed

in heroes,
and dragons,
and us.

forgive & forget.

forgive and forget. that's what they say. its good advice but it's not very practical. when someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. when someone wrongs us, we want to be right. without forgiveness, old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal. and the most we can hope for is that one day we'll be lucky enough to forget.




i wish i could forget.
I spend 75% of my time at work doing nothing but playing on my phone, listening to the music overhead, and thinking. The last two are the killers. First, since its officially the 'holiday season' every other song is a christmas song. and when it's not a christmas song, its some sorta love song. The Christmas songs are alright, but you really can only listen to 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' so many times in one day before wanting to claw your own eyes out. And all the other love songs only cause me to think. Thinking about things isn't always bad. But it really sucks sometimes. I hate missing things I shouldn't miss. I hate playing the 'what if' game in my head over and over. What if I had cared less? What if you had cared more? Its an endless cycle that continues repeating and repeating.
Its incredibly funny how fast things can change in a matter of two weeks. My lifes done a total 180 since this day two weeks ago. And while a majority of the time it sucked, and I'm still sort of dwelling on how it would've been cool if things had worked out different, things are slowly improving. Who knows what'll continue to happen though.

Tonight I'm stuck here at work till 730, then I'm going out & helping Barco baby move into Greg's with Riss. Who knows what's in store afterwards. partyparty. And Dan's gonna be back tonight, too. I cannot wait. I miss him so much.
Uhm, and yesterday & last night were nice. :)
Thanksgivings tomorrow. Then weekend with the usuals.
Seeee Yaaaa.

Better Days.

My weekend was so good. It totally changed my entire mood/attitude around. I'm still pretty bummed out over what happened, but I've got so much other good shit going on/people I care about that I'm doing a looot better with the whole thing.
Had yet another goooooood weekend. Friday night was a goooody. Went down to Barco's with a shit ton of my favorite people ever and hung out. A fun time as always. Headed home later in the night because I had work at 6 am Saturday. Working that early sucks. Saturday I worked then sat around and did noooothing for awhile. Ended up shopping & spending too much money. Then later in the night headed to Jersey with Marissa to Tyler's house with a bunch of people I didn't even know but ended up really liking. :) To sum the night up: wrecked 'em in pong with Marissa, Jager pong for everyone but us, free pizza, watching people get retardeddd off of Jager. Was a fuuuuun night. :) Headed home late. Worked all sunday morning & then hung out with someone great afterwards. Hahaha.
Today is Mariana's birthday, YAY ! Tonight I think I'm going to the diner with some people, :D and then tomorrow I'm off of everything and hanging out with someone kinda cute & having a really good day with him.
Dan comes home this week and I'm really pumped for that because I misssss him more than anyone. And we're going to the beach this weekend, which will be absolutely lovely, I am sure. :) I can't wait.
And I'm super excited for New Years Eve because I'm gonna be up in New York City with Riss, Barco, Kels & whoever else wants to go. And that will be tighhhhhhhhhhht. Always wanted to go there for that. :) :)
That's all I have to write.

OH, and I'm beyond sick. It's really awesome, nahhhtt.

still

sadder than i have ever been.
i hate having to force myself through the day & beg myself not to cry because everything has to remind me of some sort of memory.

this is the worst feeling in the entire world.
what's worse though ..
i'd forgive you.

Worst Night.

Last night was the worst night I have had in a very long time.



I've never felt more alone.

Lovely Mood.

I'm in the most wonderful mood and have been all day. I love this. :)
Last night/this morning were quite enjoyable.
Didn't get to bed till sometime after 9:30 this morning, but it was well worth it.

I don't have much else to write.
I'm not sweatin' the dumb stuff anymore.
I'm happy happy happy happy happy.

Except, it's 5:20 and it's already dark as fuck out.
That's really stupid.

SkeetSkeet

Weekend was good. Worked Friday night then came home and spent the night with mom and her girl friends. they're the funniest group of ladies evvver. Saturday went to down to Temple & picked up Kelsey then went and got Ali from UArts. Headed to South Street to get some Thai and a ridiculous amount of frozen yogurt. Headed back to Temple and met up with Marissa, Sean & Pookie. Chilled for awhile, met up with Rob, then headed over to Barco's played with her kitties and sipped on some 40's. Twas a gooood night. Crashed at Kelseys. Whole Foods shopping trip in the morning then picked up Barco and the 4 of us headed to Blacklisted show. Show was tight. Afterwards headed back to Barco's and chilled with her, riss, ricky, aaron & jake. came home and crashed.
i'm getting tattooed in the morning then spending the day/night with some goodies.
that's all i really have to say. i'm boring.

9:50

It is 9:50 on a Friday night, I don't work tomorrow, and I'm sitting at home. Fuck my life.

This week sucked. All I did was work. I feel like it's all really pointless though because I just keep finding myself in more debt that I need to keep paying off, so therefore I'm barely able to save any money right now and I feel like I'm getting no where.
I hate change. I know that it is inevitable, but I really hate it. Atleast, I hate change that I don't want to happen. If I want it to happen, then it's okay. But I hate unexpected bad change, and I really hate when it happens out of no where. I don't know how things can go from seeming really super awesome, to really bad in a matter of 2 days. And for no reason. Just out of no where. I really felt like I mattered before, and now I feel like I'm second best ..if not lower. I'm probably just being a fucking psycho about this, but whatever. No one has to agree with me on anything I write in this stupid thing.
Either way, I feel really alone right now.
& I hate it.



p.s one sweet thing: i'm getting tattooed tuesday morning for free down the city.
and i'll be on the radio with preston and steve. that's kinda cool, i guess?
someone who has nothing to do all tuesday should come with my mom & me. word.

things i really dislike.

being broke, $130 speeding tickets, working every day, being cold all the time, fighting over the dumbest stuff with one person i care about a lot, distance, losing people i really care about, bills, growing up, my hair, not being excited for the holidays at all this year, ebay, my cellphone, wasting my life away, bad frenz.




on the plus side, the next couple of weekends will be fun.
and i'm going out to iowa in 23 days. :) catch ya laterr.

I want to go

to the beach. Even though it's cold out.
It's one place I can always clear my mind and figure things out.


Let's go.

do i still love you?

absolutely. there's not a doubt in my mind. through all my anger, my ego, i was always faithful in my love for you. that i ever made you doubt it is the greatest mistake in a life full of mistakes. i can tell you that i love you as many times as you can stand to hear it, but it doesn't set us free. all it does is remind us that love is not enough. it's not even close.




sometimes, i really hate the way things work out.
and i hate how i feel like no one even understands this.
this post is pointless.

plans.

i hate how i have to keep changing all my plans. i hate bills, i hate money. i hate how i feel like i cannot afford anything. i really just hope that things work out. this is something i really want. i know it'll happen eventually, im just so impatient. i want things to work out as i have them planned now. but who knows. im so stressed.
:(

Obama '08

This is such a huge night in history. We're so lucky to get to experience this. Amazing how much this country has changed over the years. I have a lot of issues with some things in this country, but it is clear that there is also so much possible. Obama's the next President of the United States, that's awesome. John McCain's speech was incredibly respectable though, and I feel like he'll still help out this country a lot.
Obama '08 ! I love this.

philadelphia.

tonight i realized i'm really gonna miss this city when i leave. and all the crazy ass people in it. this weekend was a good one. friday night was halloWEEN, ended up down the city with marissa, kelsey and evan. met some cool people, had some INTERESTING experiences, & crashed at kelseys in temple with marissa, ev & kyle. came home this morning and crrrasssshhhed for another few hours. then tonight was QUITE enjoyable. picked marissa BACK up and headed back down the city - having a FUNK SESH the entire drive there. met up with kelsey in temple and drove down to center city. walked down south street. met some kid with a sweet jacket that just broke up with his girlfriend and had beer, hahahahah. met some raaandom ass dude from some metal band that played down there tonight and invited us to some party. headed BACK to temple but took some detours so we could bring some joy to phillllaaadelphiaa ! with our 80s FUNK. everyone on every street corner of broad street got into it and danced around the streets to BRICKKK HOUSE with us. love the city, love the people. gonna miss it ! next weekend will be TIGHT though.

and on a more serious note i need to quit being such a dumb bitch about things before i ruin something GOOD. haven't been this happy in awhile. i love it.
i need to be up so early, g'nighhhhtt.

dancing, alcohol, drugs.

"I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. Y'see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else. You know the only other way to lose yourself like that is, um, you know, dancing, or alcohol, or drugs, and stuff like that."




i hate distance.
i'm so impatient.
halloween was fun.
wish my "friends" supported me.