To You.

Ashley sent me this because she found it online that someone wrote about someone they really must have cared for a lot.
And at first I read it and thought it was really dumb because I was in a really dumb mood after a really dumb fight with someone.
Then i re-read it, and cried my eyes out because it's scary how close this relates to something in my life.
Anyway, its super long so no one has to read it. but it's here.
Maybe it will relate to something in your life. If so, I'm sorry.
Because it's a really awful way to feel. I know.
I changed things around a bit to fit my situation more clearly.
Maybe you'll finally get it..




I know, now, that things are going just the way that they should. I do not spend too many times crying. Mostly, it is when I am moved by the lyrics in the songs that could be about you and I. Sometimes, when I hear the lyrics "There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all" I pray with every fiber of my being, that you won't hear those lyrics and ever have to think of me. I don't want you to remember me with contempt. I'd much rather you remember me as the fire at the start of the day. Or, perhaps, as the wildfire in your veins. I don't ever want it to be something that you can relate back to me. I want to be remembered fondly, quietly, calmly. I'd trade in you remembering my laughter for remembering my secret messages, encoded, now in your DNA. I hope you don't feel the sting of my walking away.

I know that you don't want any part of me believing that you could even be slightly hurting...

I am looking for someone who will fight with me for love, not against me. I need someone who isn't afraid to face my iceberg-ways despite the threat of sinking. I need the ark to last through the rains, and I know I've said this all a thousand times, but it is the truth and more than just a proclamation or declaration, it is my goal.


I hope that you find someone who isn't a millstone. You seem happier, you seem stronger and even more brave than I am. It's been hot and sticky the last couple of days. Just like the way it was the summer we fell in love. We found hundreds of soft spots in our hearts through out our time of being together. Maybe my mistake was finding those soft spots in the first place. But you were the one to penetrate my soul first and I let you, through and through. This is just a bunch of words though right? They don't make sense and my heart is still locked up tightly in your hand, the one heart I gave to you even before we said hello for the first time.

I'm trying to hold everything together. I'm trying not to break everyday and remember the fact that I was the one who broke you in the first place. So why is my heart not letting me let go of something that wasn't meant to be? Why am I wishing so hard on shooting stars that don't exist and keeping four leaf clovers I never had? Why am I being so completely weak when I told myself that I had only a few more weeks left before I erased you completely? I don't think I'm quite ready to make the commitment of forgetting you completely. I still believe that soul mates exist and other planets will harbor lovers from different worlds. And I still believe that your hand was meant to perfectly fit mine.

I will, without a doubt, forget you. There will most definitely come a time when I cannot remember your name or face, nor the way your hair was always obscenely beautiful no matter how messy it was and the way your voice would get lower when you told me that you loved me. Someday, I will not recall the hours of conversation we had, or the times we discussed our lives like they meant something, or the way I smiled every time I saw your screen name online. Eventually, I won't hear your pain, happiness, anguish, disgust echoing in my head. I won't shudder every time I think of when I made up lies to hurt you. As selfish as it sounds, I wanted to see if you would still be with me at my worst. I won't cry when I remember the night you ended things with me, when it was so cold in my room that the only time I can remember keeping warm was when your voice was on the other line. I won't still laugh when I think of things you said, and I won't write you emails every once in awhile so I can pretend we still talk to each other. You will fade like distant summers, and I will not miss you.

But until that happens, please know that I do miss you, terribly.